May 29, 2011

Getting Exactly What I Don’t Want


When we began considering adoption , I asked myself;

“What’s the worst that could happen?”
It didn’t take long for me to decide that the worst situation I could imagine – the worst case scenario for me – would be a long wait between seeing my boy’s face and bringing him home. I just knew I would not be able to stand watching my baby grow up through photos. I couldn’t imagine missing out on his “firsts” and I believed that red-tape hold ups would devastate me beyond repair.
But we moved forward, not with fear, but with faith that these kinds of snags and hold-ups would not be part of the process.
But here we are, seven months after seeing our boy’s face for the first time, caught up in a red-tape-jumble that may or may not have an end.
We are in the exact place that I believed we would not be.
We’ve watched him grow up via two photos a month for seven months.
We’ve missed his first tooth and his first word.
We will miss his first birthday tomorrow
and I’m fairly confident that we are about to miss his first steps.
And I’m learning that all along I’ve had faith in the wrong thing.
For the past two years, (and perhaps for most of my life) I’ve had a faith that says, “I believe that God is so big that he will make things go as I want them to. My faith is so great that I just know that God will give me exactly.what.I.want.”
Sounds like pretty easy and convenient faith, doesn’t it?
And not to mention selfish.
I’ve been so wrong and oh-so blind. My faith and hope rested in a quick and easy homecoming for my boy. I had “faith” that he would come home in my way and within my time limits.
Thankfully, by the grace of God, I’ve learned so much over the last seven months. He is teaching me what true, solid, lasting faith is.
Faith in Him no matter what.
Faith that says “God is GOOD” even when I am getting exactly the opposite of what I want.
And in this goodness, he has put a peace in my heart that I can’t explain as anything other than a miracle.
Sure, there is pain and uncertainty and some days there are tears. But I have a confidence in God’s attributes that is fuller than I’ve ever experienced.
I’m living inside my “worst-case scenario” – my own personal place of torment – but I’m realizing that God never promised me that my boy would come home soon.
He’s actually never promised me that my boy will come home ever.
But all those things that he has truly promised – joy, patience, goodness, peace – he is pouring out in my life daily.
I am so, so thankful for these gifts that can only come from Him.
Today, I am praising him for being good and for fulfilling His promises.
And – as much as I HATE, HATE, HATE to admit it – I’m thankful that He doesn’t always give me exactly what I want.

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